I'm Not Like Anybody Else...

A morning musing about myself

Yes, I sent this picture to The Boy.

Yes, I’ve been in hiding.

Yes, I’ve been inconsistent.

May I take a moment to remind you

“My inconsistency is my consistency”

My name’s Michelle Bella and here is everything that’s been going on in the most uncreative time in my life.

(Side note- you don’t have to be fucking creative 24/7 to appease everybody. Let me explain and then you can boycott me, OK?)

Firstly, I’m really not like anybody else.

Not because I’m more beautiful, talented or whatever else fits into that neatly packaged little box of bullshit.

I’m not like anybody else simply because I’m not anybody else.

It’s a Saturday morning but nobody reads emails or Substack’s on a Saturday do they, so I’m scheduling this to arrive with you Sunday night.

Anyway, as I was saying. I’ve been MIA. Truth be told I didn’t want to show up here anymore. I was fed up, had nothing to write about and boys. What love does to the heart and all that.

Now?

I HAVE SO FUCKING MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT…

You can see where the title of this inspiration came from.

This is how I journal btw. Messy as hell. One page is tear stained as I write in blood like I’m Juliet and the next is an open page of creative juice. I stopped overthinking the whole journaling thing a long time ago. The more imperfect the better. When you pick up your diary and flick through, it’s meant to be up and down and different and complex. Humans are all of that.

As you can see, I have ideas oozing and the project I’m working on is nicely building up in my drafts ready to be thrown into my Substack world when I’m sure I’m far enough ahead of myself that I can be inconsistent enough to fall back on pre-written ‘I did this earlier because I know what I’m like’ pieces.

Not all of us were designed to follow the herd.

In fact, I’ve resigned to the fact I don’t create when I follow other people’s blueprints. They aren’t me, aren’t mine and they create a block. Successful people tend to follow rules. Rules like sticking to a consistent posting schedule so people know what to expect, especially if they are paying to support you. It’s morally decent to show up when people are throwing money into your bank account to hear from you. I want people who support me to know I am a flawed creative and I always show up, just not traditionally as the rulebook suggests.

I’m more like a creative hooker. Even possibly comparable to a busker. I show up, build a gang of paid subscribers until one day, they show up and the back wall of the London Underground is visible. Where is she please? Then all of a sudden a few months later I’m in a new spot all set up singing at the top of my lungs that I found a better place to create from. Similarly I write seducing sex stories, build a loyal following and then fold under the pressure of my own doing, the £20 notes tucked into my knickers turning into ‘I owe you’s’.

I can’t and won’t ever be the consistent girl.

I will always be around because writing is the only thing I’ve ever stuck to in my entire life. Long standing since my roaring 20’s. I just may not always be throwing out stories and thoughts and Substack’s in scientific precision. I am who I am. She is who she is.

Not to mention as humans it’s so fucking natural to have weeks/months where you gather inspiration and take time out. We’re not robots. In a world of ai, I’m happy to take the hit of admitting I’m doing life as I want to. I don’t actually want to be perfect, it’s forever messed my head up. The Boy doesn’t openly ever comment about my weight and that struggle I’ve carried for years is slowly healing because of him. I don’t obsess about myself to the extent I once did. That freedom is a word I haven’t yet found.

So, here’s a bit about where I’ve been:

☕️ Reading books. I’ve read so many books it’s been bliss.

☕️ Eventing and freelancing within an inch of my life.

☕️ The Boy.

☕️ Struggling with PMDD, low iron and Drs that don’t listen.

☕️ Dealing with a mild depression if I’m totally honest with myself.

☕️ Being mummy.

☕️ Forgetting I have ADHD. Wondering why life is so chaotic and messy and completely, genuinely forgetting the awareness I have it. (Currently waiting for a new titration of non-stim meds)

☕️ Having an existential crisis. Is this my life? Is this all it is? etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc

---

So there we have it. I’m not like anybody else.

I'm a fucking messy person. I’m needy and spontaneous and hate rules and feel deeply and all the rest of it. The only ever risk I’ve been scared to take is to commit to my own creative work and I don’t even make sense to myself at this point.

The F*CK IT journaling has been helping. Might share a bit of that soon. Wave if you fancy it.

If something doesn’t feel right, it’s not your way of doing things. Your job is to find your way and be unapologetic about it as puke worthy as that sounds. That, or forever hold your peace and remain unhappy, dissatisfied and internally angry for the rest of your days.

Until next time,

Michelle Bella x